If You've Got Kids and You Know it Clap Your Hands!

I present to you my latest attempt at some "creative" writing. Here are my lists of my experiences with children SO FAR...

You know you have an infant when...

• At a mere day old, you can't imagine what your life was like without this little bundle of joy.
• Your once neat counter tops are now drowning in bottles, nipples, pacis, and formula cans.
• Your laundry has recently tripled, while you can't figure out why, as this little thing fits into clothing the length of your forearm.
• While picking up your own laundry from the floor, you catch yourself smelling the shoulders to see if it is really dirty, instead of the arm pits.
• Sticking your nose in some one's hind end is a perfectly acceptable practice.
• A shower longer than three minutes is a luxury you only get when the husband is home- and a shower before 9 am just doesn't exist.
• Your living space has been overtaken by ten different places for your baby to sleep, while half the time none of them actually work.
• Driving around at one o'clock in the morning, suddenly doesn't sound so bad.
• If you sleep for more than six hours straight, you must rush into the nursery to make sure little bit is still breathing.
• When little bit wakes up while mommy and daddy are checking on him/her, you pull a 007 drop to the floor move and army crawl out of the room praying to not be caught.
• You can sleep in positions you never knew were possible.
• Your newest perfume is the scent of partially digested milk.
• You wish you would have thought of making movies with toys bouncing around on a black screen and classical music playing the background. You also learn babies aren't the only people these things put to sleep.
• You no longer carry a purse- you're just lucky to get your wallet, phone, and keys thrown in the diaper bag.
• You find yourself praising bodily functions- the various ways of passing gas suddenly become "good ones".
• Your life is completely turned upside down, and you wouldn't have it any other way.

You know you have a toddler when...

• You suddenly need to build on to your house to make room for this kids toys- half of which aren't near as fun as your Tupperware cabinet.
• You wake in the middle of the night to the mysterious sound of one of these toys (now possessed for some reason) repeatedly going off.
• If you didn't become the stain master during the infant stage, you are for sure now!
• The first time your kids throws up, you suddenly realize just how much you are going to miss "spit up".
• On most days, your kids hair looks better than your own. (This one is probably more applicable to stay at home mommers).
• You wear at least three different unknown substances on your clothes by lunchtime.
• The lengths you go to for a laugh should never be seen in public.
• While in the infant stage, quiet was your best friend, it has now become your worst enemy. Unless it is nap time, quiet only means ones thing... trouble.
• You reminisce on what it was like to have babe that slept 70% of the day, while a two hour nap time now feels like 2 minutes.
• You're back to carrying a purse- but its contents consist of a diaper, a few wipes, a sippy cup, toys, snacks, and Lord only knows what else...Besides, whatever that's in there that actually is yours doubles as a toy anyways in desperate measures.
• You are having a nice trip to Target, when suddenly you become "that mom". Yes, your kid has a meltdown and you feel completely out of control and embarrassed- it's too bad swearing to yourself you would never have a kid act like that didn't work out so perfectly.
• Every new sound and word that comes out of your child's mouth should be a newsflash because it's so stinking cute. (This one is pretty relevant in all stages)
• You don't have the energy to lift your body off the couch at the end of the day, and you wouldn't have it any other way.

You know you have a small child when (these are my newest beginnings of experiences as we are entering this territory with Hannah Grace)...

• You wish you would have gone more places before your kid realized how fun it is to touch things, no not things-everything.
• When you go to get up from the kitchen table chair you feel the back of your shirt stick to the back of the chair by some mysterious substance. I swear I just wiped them down yesterday! =)
• Your floor vacuum lives next to your kitchen table. Putting it away would just be a waste of time, and who has time to waste?
• Your child can outsmart you- you could have swore they wouldn't figure out how to get into that one! It's a quick lesson to learn to not underestimate their smarts.
• You have cartoon them songs stuck in your head 75% of the day- oh and speaking of...
• While trying to get ready to go, you wonder if your kid would understand you better if you say "Vamanos, Amigos!"
• You'd rather listen to a little voice singing ABC's, Jesus Loves Me, Wheels on the Bus, etc. than the music on your iPod anyways.
• If you counted the unsightly messes you clean up on a daily basis, you would lose track by 10:00 am.
• After experiencing these messes- marker all over your table and your child and their clothing are the least of your worries- well as long as it's not permanent that is.
• You find yourself spelling things to your spouse even after the kids have gone to bed, you are the master speller after all. =)
• 90% of your grocery list is made up of food for your kid. Why did I complain about having to buy formula? It may be pricey, but one item and , check!, your done.
• You learn that picking your battles is the only way to survive.
• Bribery is such a tempting option.
• "Go ask daddy to do it for you" is you new favorite phrase.
• You laugh more than you ever have in your life so far.
• You want to spank your kids one minute and squeeze and kiss them the next, and you wouldn't have it any other way.

Even on the worst days, at any age, you kid brings you more joy than you ever could have imagined.

Any mommas out there got some to add? C'Mon I know you do...